And we start with Bachie walking in muddy water and looking soulful – oh how we have missed this. It is all very rural and serious. Is this Swamp People or Bachie???
The Russian gets the date – of course she does – she did the kid reveal last night so was always going to get the date this ep. Now vision of Dasha looking soulful – enough peeps. Side note Dasha wearing a killer Zimmermann dress you can rent on The Volte #shamelessplug.
The date is fly fishing – all very low budget. OSHER STOP BLOWING IT TOO EARLY.
Flashback to girl prison. Cat and Romy being the mean girls standard – they comment a lot on how Vanessa Sunshine rates herself – ummm ok. Because you two don’t? #mirror
Oh wow date card arrives… ummm hang on a second people. Shut the front gate – where the hell is Osh. He didn’t read the single date card and now a date card has just appeared? Don’t buy it. Where is he? Bring back Osher Channel 10 – date cards don’t deliver themselves #saveosh
Names are read one by one. Pretty sure everyone is going – kill me now just say that at the start.
Back to boring fishing date. Essentially Bachie comments on how hot the Russian is. Nothing else is happening. Sex couch time. Oshie has gone all out at Bunnings and smashed the discount fairy lights. Looks killer Osh. Many close ups during the chat – my fave moment? When she picks dandruff off his collar. There is a rose and a pash. Bachie clearly thinks she is hot – tries to convince us he is serious about her – I don’t buy it.
Now time for group date – sports theme. The teams are picked like high school so it is mean girls vs VS/Shannon. They get into weird outfits of primary red and blue. Obis the singlets were on sale at Best & Less because all the girls have had to manually adjust to sex them up. Feels like rolling your skirt up to make it shorter in high school.
All quite boring on group date – its basically dodgeball with a bow and arrow. Numbers are uneven so Bach has to play with the red team. Poor Nicko gets hit in the balls – ouch. We feel for you bro. Brooke kills it – obviously. Red team wins.
Good god there is a round 2. WTF. I’m not reviewing round two it was bloody boring first time round. Summary – Cat is actually good at this. Manages to hit Shannon in the head. Line of the night from Cat – “we turned those bitches in to butter”. Sorry what? That makes no sense?
Blue wins – Nicko has to pick someone – Cass thinks it’s her. Awkward – its not #loveatfirstsight. It is Cat.
Much chat on the couch. She is happy with everything in her life. PLEASE PEOPLE. Not all of you are perfectly content and fulfilled or you wouldn’t have applied to a dating show. Stop it.
AWKWARD I think Cat just tried to physically assault the Bach to get a kiss. Doesn’t achieve it. If this was reversed there would be a restraining order and a parliamentary inquiry.
Cocktail party time – or should we rename it the Cass being awkward party. Although Blair making a run at her title by wearing essentially pastel coloured underwear and having a go at Bach for not talking to her at cocktail parties while bouncing a basketball. Cass is losing her shit and LURKING.
Please someone stop her. She is waiting for him to talk to her – ummm its 2018 honey – if you want to talk to a guy GO AND FUCKING DO IT.
Rose ceremony time
WOAH back it up. VS is wearing a full on dress that didn’t even crack a mention or shot. Also who it this?
I thought we had disposed of the randoms already…and she gets picked FIRST???? Hang on more shots of randoms. There are more than I realised.
I think we should rename this the ‘Cass internal dialogue’ show. So much focus on her which tells us that nothing is fucking happening. Cass is left until last….down to two randoms and her. Much stress…
Cass makes it through tribal council. Gives her standard extended headlock hug.
Alex ends on the line – ‘I can’t believe I shaved my legs for this’… for real? That’s your exit line?
Much drama on Cass’s stalking of Nicko is promised next week.
Can. Not. Wait.
Don’t fuck with me Channel 10. You’ve promised you better deliver…
Till next week bitches…