Bachie Opening Round: The Season of the Crazy Eyes….

We are nervous team. Very nervous. Osh is sweating. Mainly because he hasn’t had time to recover from the Tara/Sam epic insta breakup. He has been in Bali giving Sam some bro time but he and his tan have made it back for opening night with the Honey Badger.

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We on the other hand are nervous as this Bachie promises so much. He is frickin hilarious generally and this perhaps sets the bar too high… can he ever live up to the legend that was the 2D Bachie Ritchie…. Big questions team.

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First up is a short dress – SCANDAL. But don’t worry she is the only one – there are plenty of cut outs and bad life decisions to come after.

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The early contenders and people of interest (aka the producer picks kept around for drama):

Brooke. Go home everyone else. Epic music, she is hot, sweet, plays rugby and football and is a youth worker. And has no idea who the Honey Badger is. I’m committed. Pretty sure Bachie is too. Where is that ring already?

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Sophie:

Some random drama around her about her dating the ex of Cat the ‘fashion designer’ from Bali. We weren’t aware you had a to be a virgin who’d never dated to be on this show. Apparently going on dates pre Bachie is a no no. Who knew? Sophie seems equally bemused. We know Soph WTF.

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Brittany:

Unclear if a contender but seems to genuinely think people wouldn’t have heard of Port Macquarie. It might not be Sydney babe but we’ve all heard of it. Apparently she and Honey Badger could have been born in the same hospital in the same year. Epic. I’m excited #fate

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Cass aka STALKER ALERT

Her and Honey Badger go to the same gym. Cool. They went on some dates. Bachie politely says it didn’t work out because of timing (aka ‘its not you its me’). Cass is apparently so invested and in love she applied for a reality show to meet someone else. And so did he. In spite of this she is convinced it is #fate #meanttobe. She has some serious CRAZY eyes and spends 99% of the night behind the pot plant Jarred no longer needs staring at Bachie and is confused why he doesn’t immediately get rid of the other 24 girls. Fave line of the night post rose ceremony – 3 down 21 to go… CALM DOWN.

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Cat: Side note pretty sure being a fashion designer in Bali is getting your products made cheap in sweat shops while getting drunk everyday at the swim up bar and pretending it is your career that is keeping you in Bali…

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Vanessa Sunshine: Is being set up as the new Laurina. Except she isn’t funny just CRAY. Run Nick, RUN. She isn’t here to make friends – even with Bachie apparently. Doesn’t like the Mo. Go home already. Also has the crazy eye. Almost loses her shit over Bachie picking her last as, and I quote “I’m better than all these girls”…

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I’ve got a book for you Vanessa – its a great read.

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Now we need to mention two others – not contenders but seriously weird stuff and high-level of crazy eyes… Kayla and Cayla.

Cayla with a C is an energy healer. First red flag. Gives Bachie a crystal at intro. Second red flag. Is genuinely crazy. Offers to do energy healing for the whole house. Other girls look appropriately scared and back slowly away while not holding eye contact.

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Kayla with a K – the better spelling and seems normal but then hits the champagne too hard too early and decides to get Bachie’s attention by doing an epic bomby into the pool. Yes that actually happened. The girls watched. Bachie was busy talking to love of his life Brooke and missed it… oops awkward. Some producer takes pity on her and gets her a towel. Judging by the rose ceremony they had a towel but not a GHD handy. Bad life decision. Still gets a rose.

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Intros are quick – the Russian Dasha does some seriously weird yoga using Nick as a pole. Alisha is pretty funny and clearly judging by her screen time will be hanging around to narrate the series. Cocktail party happens: much drama, stalking and champagne. Cass is def taking the cake for the most crazy the most early as she is already apparently in love. 3 randoms who’s names we don’t know go home.

Now lets assessโ€ฆ ? Vanessa Sunshine and Cayla are going to be fun timesโ€ฆ. Cass is losing it WAY too early. So far Honey Badger is ticking boxes but it is early days – don’t get excited Osh we’ve got a long way to go till you can use that marriage celebrant training you did on summer break only to have your little heart broken by the golden couple from Paradise. Till tomorrow bitches.

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