The Final Countdown

Alright kids we are on. Standard montage fading directly into Matty J walking onto the Air Asia plane… I know they are sponsors but doesn’t feel v luxe.

Not v luxe

Laura apparently came to the Bach feeling skeptical about the idea of falling in love. Um excuse me… blasphemy.

Are you joking?

But MJ has apparently won her over. I would hope so Princess Kate. I would hope so. #teamelise

Time for the Elise montage. I am so worried about her. Pls Matty pls pick her. The hockeyroo is CLEARLY the winner. I am hoping this is not a Nikki situ.

But before epic roses it is time for the family inquisition. We are reminded that Sister Kate can’t make it because #preggers. Elise is up first. Here we go…

Yes we do team, yes we do. 

Matty goes to get her they admire the view – def the most impressive place that Channel 10 could afford. Hi 5 Air Asia for coming to the party. Time for awkward family lunch. Matty’s mum apparently played hockey.

Elise and mum are twins… yas

Now for question time with Tom. It is uber intense. Elise nails it. Tom is sold. Now for mum question time. She wants to ask deep and meaningful questions – should have sprung for daytime booze Osh. Hang on where the hell is Osher??? Osher are you dead?

Genuine, effortless, vibrant, energized. She loves her. Oh elise you are making me cry and we haven’t even hit the final ceremony yet. Everyone loves Elise. We love Elise. I am starting to feel sick. More importantly the mum kills it and suggests if Matty doesn’t pick her she should just pick another brother. Love mum.

I can’t take it

Princess Kate is up next. Here we go Laura here we go… We see them together and I am devo as I think he is picking her.

Poor Laura is freaking out. She gets verbal diaherrea. Its awkward. This is not as easy as Elise. Awkward. The music feeds into the awkward. Tom doesn’t like her. They go for a chat. It gets marginally better but still a touch cringe.

Poor Laura – we have all been there

Now for mum chat… serious music. Laura is rocking the crazy eyes. She does want this so badly. Mum thinks she is lovely but is worried about her. Dammit it not I am worried about both of them. Then she cries we feel bad for her. Weirdly I am still unsure if mum is on board. Mum wants it to be resolved.

Matty asks what the fam thinks. The brothers are split. Mum wisely sits on the fence.

Smart move Mum. 

Elise’s Last Date

Epic drone footage – side note channel 10 – I would have been more impressed 3 seasons ago when you had to hire a helicopter to get there. They are on a boat called ‘Chowa’. Pls someone make a chow joke….

They discuss meeting the family #killedit Elise. They kiss and I am reminded that Matty has a horrific forearm tattoo of a rose… what were you thinking… I hope there was a drunk story behind that.

Bad life call Matty J

They sit on a beach… It looks so bloody rocky and average. The private island bit is cute but it is a shit beach. They swim – its cute. Now it is time for couch of intensity the Thailand edition. Light on candles, heavy on flowers. Oshie we miss the little touches you add.

Oshie where are you 😦

Elise starts freaking out a little bit.. probs fair team. Probs fair. She admits her love. It’s awkward.

At this point I would like to point out that Matty not saying I love you back is actually the right call. If anyone is a diehard Bachie fan like I am they would have seen the Ben season in the US. Where he told 2 of them he loved them, slept with 3 of them and then dumped one the day after #harshtimes. While awkward saying nothing is the right call MJ. Don’t be Ben.

This is Ben. Don’t be Ben.

Laura’s Last Date

They go in a helicopter. Nice views… blah blah blah. Matty plays tour guide – ummm pls Matty – you have been in Thailand the same amount of time as Laura.

They land and there is an elephant. Cute times. Elephants are a winner. And she is pretty gorgeous. They give her a bath. I kind of want to be on this date. They get to swim with her and give her a bath. They kiss that isn’t awkward other than the fact that the elephants handler is about 3 feet away.

Not awkward at all. 

Now for a Thai gondola… in the rain. This date is pretty epic. I am worried. Couch of intensity time. Hmm better lantern ratio. Poor princess kate is freaking out so she mainlines red wine. Good plan. I feel you girl.

Drink up Princess Kate


She cries in her chat with the producers… I feel bad for both of them now god damn it.


Much montage. Matty buttoning up his shirt. Girls putting jewellery. Much epic music.

And Osh is alive. And here. Thank god he can guide us through. And it is Laura 😦 Our hearts are BROKEN for Elise. Like dead. Over.

It is awful and hard and she is devastated. Sobbing. She is trying not to be angry but we are angry Elise. It is fine to be angry.


Laura arrives. And it is super sweet and lovely. Poor Princess Kate is so relieved. Fair call. She was freaking the fuck out. Matty loves her. Its adorable. We knew it. He gives her the  ring puts it on the right hand… good call. Engagement would be uber intense and bad idea. Also a little weird that the jewellery designer gets given a generic ring… eh whatevs

I am exhausted. It’s over. Thank god.

Sooooo Elise for Bachelorette 2018??? 😉



The Volte Squad x

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