Heartbreak hotel

It is FINALE time team. I am hoping for the big budget fireworks. Lets do this.

We are ready kids.

Channel 10 have hired a drone. High 5 kids this is a good sign. Matty is out for a surf because we need to be reminded he likes the outdoors and well #abstime. Much thinking. Time to go break some hearts. Lets get to it.



The frontrunner Princess Kate is up first. And what a shock it is transport date time again. AH I GET IT. Shark Tank is on Channel 10 and Naomi has given Oshie Red Balloon discount vouchers to try and get Bachie through the hard times! It all makes sense now…

An Avis rental car. Amazing. Really Matty it is.

Followed by some really special time together. Laura is so excited to be so close to Matty. Except for the fact that they are hang gliding. Separately.


SO much intimacy. SO many feels. With the hang gliding instructor – not Matty who is a fucking mile away having special time with his hang glider dude. And it requires a helmet – eyeroll.

Isn’t this amaze… random hang glider dude. So special…

Just lie on the table runner from the discount bin at Spotlight and throw some of the candles around Matty. The poor princess just wants to actually SEE YOU.

No reason for this other than it is gold.

Laura then essentially paints herself in I love you’s and is vulnerable. Matty gives her nothing but much kiss time indicates she is in for at least tonight.


Its transport time team…. A train. WOOOOOOOO Lots of looking out onto the bush blah blah blah.

train time

Elise campfire time – lots of cheap lanterns and tea lights… Oshie… did you go to Ikea 😉

Oshie. We see you.

Time to get vulnerable for no return team. We are ready. Matty solemnly says he isn’t sure where Elise stands and if she is keen. She just put her life on hold and allowed you to date multiple women – clearly she is keen dude.

Apparently she is also such a great person as he could complain about work and she’d ‘get it’. This comment is vague and confusing. Would Tara and Laura not understand? It doesn’t matter – I am #teamelise so I support it.

Sah amazing.

Elise finally throws it out there and says “I am falling in love with you”. To a small nod in return. #sosatisfying

So satisfying. Nearly as good as this….

I’m worried Matty J. I am worried about Elise. I think he is going to break her heart. Maybe not tonight but sometime soon.

You worry me Matty.

Tara time

Meanwhile Matty moves on to Tara. Tara starts out very emotional. This is a bad sign kids. I’m worried she is all in and he isn’t. Matty talks about how amazing Tara is because she makes him laugh.

So much hilarity

Nails in the coffin… I think it is over. Matty claims he is giddy about seeing Tara which means he wants to sleep with her – that’s your penis tingling Matty. But not the girl you marry – insert sobbing.

Penis not heart 😦

They are going on a seaplane – more transport – amazing. So much ‘Tara makes me laugh” “Tara is so funny”… it won’t be funny when she is sans rose tonight mate.


They land in the seaplane and go on a yacht. Amazing except that they don’t appear to be yachting. Just hanging on a stationary boat. I think maybe they have just jumped on a random boat in the bay because its convenient. Hold up – I am wrong (#rare) the sails are up. Oshie came through with the carton for the mate at the local yacht club.

Boats are always great times aren’t they…

Tara is all in and it is making me cry. Matty is playing along and not giving away anything to her. I know the producers are in his ear but Matty you have been here – some small warning signs would be good.

Except you didn’t Matty J. You didn’t.

Way too much emotive music in this date. It is a bad sign. Also too much money on this date. Train tickets and the avid rental seem out of whack…. I think Matty spent all the money on Tara as he feels bad about breaking her heart.

I think Matty has tried to tell her with his eyes but she isn’t getting it and pours her heart out. Matty says it feels like the world is suspended and it feels like a dream… that is because you are fucking terrified of what her brothers are going to do with you when they hunt you down after you dump her.

We remember you mate. Don’t cheers me bro.


Rose Ceremony Time

Back to girl scout camp. No pre drinks this time. It is all very sober and serious. Striaght to it and Princess Kate gets rose 1. So it is Elise or Tara… much drama… much buildup… and and and…. Bye Tara. SOBBING.


Poor Tara. She is a legend. It is really sad. She holds it together really well. Doesn’t slap him. She makes it easy on him.

I better be fucking crying with happiness tomorrow channel 10. Currenrly I am just feeling depressed for Tara. Tara for Bachelorette 2018. Unless Elise loses tomorrow. Can we do twin bachelorette’? It worked so well on Married at First Sight? Wait did it?

I’m nervous. #teamelise.

Until tomorrow team.


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