Bachie Ep 11: I’m Gluten Free, Wheat Free, Egg Free

Just a prewarning – I think this is the low point of the season. Nothing fucking happens….Channel 10 aren’t even pretending today.

Girl scouts sit around laughing about Jen leaving Tara and Elora particularly not keen. Hmm Tara I want to like you but this makes me not like you.

Don’t worry Jen we remember you. 

Osher comes into Girl Scout Camp – he doesn’t bring cookies. What a downer. He does bring pearls of wisdom like “you need to spend time alone with Matty”. Shock horror. Thank you for enlightening us.

So wise Oshie

Single date – this could be awkward. We all know sad Simone isn’t getting it. Laura – aka Princess Kate gets the call up. SUPER AWKS. But yay we haven’t seen her for a while so good to get a rerun.

Sad Simone is pissed. Probs fair. She doesn’t know why she is here. We don’t know why you are here either. Send her home Matty. It isn’t fair.

Time to go Simone…time to go. 


Laura is picked up in a limo. Limousines… hmm. Should feel luxe – largely feels like a school formal without the secret boozing and slightly trashy dresses. Lots of talk about how she isn’t surrendering to the process of being vulnerable. Be vulnerable Princess. No strong women here pls.

Laura drink the green coolaid 

Laura suggested the conservatorium or a psychic… and she is right. That should be cool but it ruins it a little. Matty mentions again that with Laura he senses that deeper feelings are guarded. Eyeroll. Why? It isn’t like you are dating anyone else.

For reals Matty? 

Meet the psychic. Why do psychics always looking like they have had slightly cheap thai lip injections on a cut price holiday combo deal. It is weird. And the inevitable slightly goth clothing. I would love to see a tanned beach psychic.

Said every psychic ever… 


Some awkward circular questions while psychic holds his watch. She reveals zero. Standard. There aren’t even any cards here dude? Where is the incense. Bored. Move on pls.

Time for star gazing. With Natalie. A observatory employee with a collared work shirt on. So romantic. You can see a blurry planet – apparently it is Jupiter. I’m unconvinced it isn’t a fake slide like in the glasses you wore as kids.

You remember them team. We know you do. 

Lots of cryptic – clearly he has bought her a star. Oh and I am right. They have to name it together like a baby. Oh Matty. We know you want children. Matora is their Brangelina name. So sorry kids it isn’t the same.

Nope. Not the same. 

Couch of intensity time. Time to be vulnerable Laura. Matty brings up the psychic. OH MY GOD STOP. She told you this. It isn’t the psychic.

Laura tries to sell the restrained option. Matty isn’t down but she is hot so they kiss. Good kiss. Matty kisses her. Holds her face. Defs top 3 team but not the winner. Lock it down. Gets a rose. Clearly.


Group Date Time

It’s a fun fair kids party. Spotlight voucher getting a run again. Osh you doubled down with some discount t-shirt screen-printing with baby pictures – does this remind you of a baby shower game? #theworst. Matty has to guess who is who. Boo. This needed to be edited out.

Donut eating competition. Simone is gluten free egg free wheat free… Um… Gluten and Wheat are pretty much the same fucking thing aren’t they? Are you coeliac? I doubt it. OK now we understand why you haven’t had a single date. Simone wins. More party games. Balloon popping with Matty.

How I feel about bread… soz Simone can’t be friends.

This should be exciting. It is tedious. More games…pin the heart on Matty. Please let this end. Simone does put a heart on his crotch – that was a winner.

This episode is so boring. Like real bad man.


Everyone gets couch of intensity time to explain their objects from home. Flo’s tiny bunny has clearly been sent in a letter size package as #austerity.

Laura has a water polo hat. Hold up, Elora is a horse person? This makes so much sense. Remember that horse person from primary school. Like the dolphin person but the horse people always stayed horse people.


Sad Simone gets sent ballet shoes. Which apparently have no meaning to her. So she lies? WTF? That is a weird decision – especially as you crack immediately and tell the CAMERA it is a lie?


Elise’s item is a bucket hat from her dad. She gets emotional, gets extra time and hugs #whatalegend. Elise wins! YAY! #topthree. Sad Simone is sad – sensing a theme here.

The double face hold kiss for Elise in alone time. It is on baby. Boom.


Cocktail Party Time

Simone is sad – its ok babes. We know you are going home.

There isn’t much party happening. Largely this is now a stalker party. Laura isn’t happy about the group dating stuff… bit late babes.

To late Princess Kate… 

Elora is losing her mind. Grabs Matty. Boom Matty asks where she wants to live. Is she choosing Australia or is it where the wind took her….

Rose Ceremony

Bye Simone… oops it hasn’t started yet. Hang on I forgot about Cobie and Lisa. Soz. Cobie is first – super pumped – don’t be bro it means nothing. It’s down to Simone and Lisa. Drumroll………. Bye Simone. Caio bella. Good call sending her home Matty. It was beyond time.

Till tomorrow bitches – and get excited Elora does something super dodge – can’t wait.


The Volte Squad x

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