Bachie Ep 10: Can’t speak…sobbing

Ok team are you ready. There is much promised of drama in the ads. I’m ready Channel 10. Don’t you wrong me.

Channel 10. You are on notice.

Much discussion of the second date vs first date issue in girl scout camp. Awkies. He just needs to take all of them on a date or burn them off. He wasted a single date on Alix who got kicked!

Take them on a date or burn them pls Matty J

Osh is alive. Phew. Tara reads card… Single date. Some bullshit clue about hearts. Come on Jen. We are cheering for you. NOOOOO I’m gutted. It’s Elise. It’s ok. I like Hockeyroo.

Hockeyroo is awesome but they are friends. This Matty’s ‘I’m not a bad guy’ date. Apparently meeting her dad changed everything/ WTF dude. Pick Elise for Elise. She is awesome. Not her dad. That is weird.

Matty. Like Elise. Please like her. She is awesome.

Yay transport date. It’s a double decker bus. Which as usual should be cool but just reminds me of late night drunken 21st transfers to clubs.

Some rubbish about fave cities. The bus is in reference to his 4 years in London apparently. Some much seriousness. You got drunk at pubs, rode the late night bus and took Contiki trips and did a sail Croatia drink-a-thon.

We get it Matty J. You lived in London. 

Gets her flowers at a florist. I actually like this bit, it should suck but it is quite sweet. Apparently Elise has never been given flowers. Well that’s shit – no wonder you applied for Bachie!

Elise’s ‘my last boyfriend was not ideal’ is poss the best line so far.

Great work Hockeyroo. Great work. 

Princess Kate tries to placate the no date team. You’d be pissed Laura. Stop being annoying. Sad Simone is real sad today kids. Lisa #forgotyouexisted comes in with date card. Everyone wins. So team no date are still pissed.

Team no date are still pissed kids. 

Matty J keeps chatting about slow burn and his time on the bachorlorette. Matty. Stop it. We get it. You got a late date with Georgia. Which means it is an even shittier thing to start taking girl scouts on second dates when you still have team no date around.

Matty’s mantra

Elise is winning me over. I’m sensing some sexual tension. Maybe this could be a thing. It’s interesting how much arms and cuddling is involved here – Matty J is v good with the body contact today. Could be that he also has blue balls from lack of actual contact.

There is some sort of cutesy lemonade stand here – Oshie has been crafting again. Yay Osh.


Then Matty J brings out hockeysticks. That is cute. Super cute… but I think he has misjudged this. She played for AUSTRALIA dude. And hockey is BRUTAL. Have you watched it Matty?


Obvs she kills it and isn’t even trying. Lets him save one at the end. Lots of rolling around. WHY DIDN’T YOU KISS HIM. The moment was there!!!!

Kiss him Elise. Do it. 

Ok I’m wrong. Now I love her. So fickle. This could be a thing. She is lovely and he should bloody like her!

Now to complete transport date private boat cruise. This is more like it. Don’t worry channel 10 – product placement was noted. Karisma. And I enjoy the spa on board the yacht. This is more like it. More luxury pls.

More lux pls

And Elise is adorable. Kiss him already. Yes. They kiss. And it doesn’t feel friendzoney. At all. Poss new fave couple. I feel she is right up there with Princess Kate (aka Laura).

I might have been wrong. Maybe. It’s rare people. Enjoy it.

I may have been wrong. #teamelise

Group date time

At the beach – looks pretty cold… unsure on the weather here. Its sports day apparently – I feel this means the Rebel Sport voucher got a workout. Elise and Lisa are captains and get to pick teams. Sad Simone is last. Awkward.

And I am almost right – except I think it might have been Aldi as the stuff is ok but not quite right. Beach cricket with weird fishing nets? WTF?


Elora does ridiculously well. Jen is bowling but changes it up in order to take Elora out. Go Jen. The upside of this date is that there alcohol so it gets better as it goes on.

There is obviously some shit that’s gone down between Jen and Lisa. Everyone keeps talking about it. Jen being Jen says she doesn’t like her. At least that is clear. I feel shit has been happening and Channel 10’s cut price editing has kept us out of the loop. What the hell team. This is fucked.


Bachie beach volleyball. Everyone is drunk. The annoying team wins. The only cool one is Tara. Luckily she gets the alone time. Controversial they have a sneaky kiss on the group date.

Cocktail Party

Side note these cocktail parties seem to be high on the wine and low on the cocktails. It isn’t a wedding OSh. If you call it a cocktail party there need to be drinks with umbrellas. Not all you can drink beer, wine and shitty champagne. Just a FYI.


So Lisa apparently thinks that Matty is like a brother. No one seems very surprised so it is clearly a thing. Oooo scandal. Apparently Lisa isn’t attracted to Matty J. Fair call. BUT if you don’t like him get out.


Matty J comes and gets Jen. I think she has had a pre drink or six. She spills. She cracks wide open and calls out Lisa. Sees him like a brother, thinks Matty J is doing it for social status not love. Ouch BURN. Girl code is defs dead. If it was ever a thing on a competitive dating show.

Understandably Matty J grabs Lisa. Lisa feels put on the spot – ummm yeah but do you like him? Hmmm she hasn’t really convinced me. Matty also asks her about the status question. End result not matter what she says is that she is gone. Maybe not tonight but soon.


The stalker scouts over hear. Elise and Jen have a fight. Don’t fight scouts you two are two of my faves.


Jen is upset. She is here to protect Matty J. Much crying. Some producer in a bomber jacket appears. Stop breaking the illusion Channel 10. I don’t want to see these peeps. Jen is considering leaving! Don’t go. Much producer chat.

It’s not you Jen. 

She leaves. Without saying goodbye. That is it. I’m out.


I might not be here next week. Sobbing.


Side note: Top 3 pick – Elise, Flo and Laura (Princess Kate) – Tara is also a contender. Everyone else should just pull a Jen and walk away now.

Bye kids.

Till next week…maybe


The Volte Squad x

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