BACH RECAP EP 9 – Meet the (Annoyed) Parents

Is Osh dead again??? Elora reads the date card in a relatively smug way – #hadtwosingledatesbitches. Is that a post sex glow?

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Interestingly she seems slightly less blue balled tonight. I’m not assaulted by her repressed hormones… maybe we should start calling her red balls??? Hmm too far? Maybs…I still call bullshit on the separate dorm rooms at sleepover date.

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Jen is devo it isn’t a single date but is still happy it’s an intimate group date… Jen. Be happy but don’t use the word intimate. It’s a joke. It’s the premise of the show but it’s not intimate.

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This is intimate Jen – and it ain’t happening on this date unless #orgytime

Hockeyroo Elise, super sweet #frozensmile Cobie and sad Simone also get the call up. Poor Michelle is sad. My heart breaks a little for her… she says she wonders if he can spell Michelle? Babes I don’t think spelling is the issue. If you haven’t been on a single date and can’t make the intimate group date he just isn’t into you.

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I’m sorry Michelle. I should have called it weeks ago. 

Clue is home comforts…boring sounding… but I don’t think its transport themed so that’s a win. SHUT UP. Channel 10 have you come through with something expeno and cool a la Bad Blake’s season? Helicopter? Private plane? We are ready to go.

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Matty J says that this is easily one of the most exciting dates he has put together. Big promises dude. BIG. And we are… letdown. What a shock.

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Let’s work with it team. 

It’s the family date – cue ugly crying.

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Best date ever? Please Matty J. Only because you are keeping the ladies in girl scout prison camp. There is some weird matchy game with Matty J and the parents. Boring. Move this shit along please Osh.

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Its ‘cook for Matty’ date. Its not even a catered lunch with the parents. Did the parents have the bring the ingredients? Maybe this is a left over challenge from Masterchef? Is the garden in play? So family cooking challenge is on. It’s emotional but most of all CHEAP!

 

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Gary where are you? Taste time.

Jen’s quote of the night to her mum–‘some of the girls who have had single dates are duds’. Which is true. Love you kid. #teamjen

Phil (Hockeyroo dad) and Matty get the first one on one chat. It feels a little awkward. Awkward mainly because he hasn’t taken Elise on a single date. Phil calls him out. Do it Phil mention the two dates for blue balls Elora. Go Phil go. Cheering you on mate.

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We skip through Cobie and Simone’s cooking exercise so they are clearly no chance. Sorry scouts back to camp, no badges for you.

Jen gets dessert. Seems to be flirting with Matty. YES do it. Jen is obviously good at cooking – only issue is Matty apparently isn’t interested in the food. WHY Matty why. We had the ‘unfair’ episode last week. It’s been done.

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We did this last week Matty… awkward. 

Who does Matty pick? Elise or Jen??? Hockeyroo wins the game. Jen is pissed. Her cooking was better. Which it was. It is just Phil was out there batting for her Jen. Soz. I’d do what Phil said too. He is cool and a little scary.

Elise gets couch of intensity. Elisa is actually super awesome and we love her. Matty keeps saying that they are just so similar… so why are you ignoring her for blue balls and Flo Matty? Why? She has been there the whole time.

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Matty tried to explain why he thought with his penis and picked them. I’m sorry Elise I did it because I wanted to sleep with them… ok no that wasn’t it. But he does finally acknowledge the fishing game… remember kids? After Flo did sexy teacher Elise rocked weird fishing to make Matty notice her.

Maybe I’ve been missing something. CLEARLY. She is a hockeyroo and is funny. Matty J apologizes for being a dick and gives her a rose. Elise says yes but the kiss is way too friendly… I’m worried hockeyroo. Worried.

 

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I’m sorry Elise. I’m sorry. 

Back to girl scout camp. Oh look it’s a camel… Looks like single date time kids. The camel must have blown the budget on this ep which explains the cook your own adventure date.

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Tara gets the date. Jen is pissed. I hope everyone who hasn’t had a date is pissed. And probs ready to let go – I think its over team. No date now means no Matty. Tara being Tara is hilarious and swears like a trooper while getting on the camel.

We are reminded that Tara is a contender. Tara gets the memo about couch of intensity Oops it’s actually a sheet – soz forgot this was the Moroccan date. There is some bullshit tea ceremony thing. No one cares. They taste tea. It gets boring.

 

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Bored…no one cares about the tea

Hold up there is another naked woman with a snake? At first I think its Elora but it’s a snake charming bellydancer. I want it to be cool but it’s very much daytime with no alcohol.

Then there is a weird partner dance section like snowball from the year 8 social…but plus a snake. It all gets a little odd.

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Not awkward at all

We return to sheet of intensity. Weirdly Matty talks about Tara as if she isn’t there. She is right there Matty. You can say ‘you’ not ‘she’. Single note piano music… hmmm kiss time kids. Matty still thinks she is hot.

Kid talk round 99. Matty wants kids. Did you know that team? I don’t think I have heard that? Shocking. Tara and Matty kiss and its ON. This is the kind of kiss that takes you to top 3. She might be overtaking Flo and Princess Kate (aka Laura) as the fave?

 

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Go Tara… back in contention

I’ve controversially written off Elora. I know everyone else thinks it’s a thing. It’s not. I’m right. Trust me. Not. A. Thing. Calling it early – thank me later.

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Much kissing. There is a rose. Confirms my rightness.

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Cocktail Party Time

Jen, Simone and Michelle are on the couch of concern. No single dates here kids. Jen is following the strategy of Flo and Elise and has a gimmick. Interesting strategy. To be fair so far it’s worked.

Jen is concerned about being friendzoned. She has made a dessert bar to try to avoid this. It was such a great strategy but Matty is eating hence not talking. But he reminds Jen to show her ‘soft’ side. Be vulnerable Jen. Be vulnerable. I think it’s working. We are cheering for you. Pom poms out. Maybe there is a chance?

 

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You can Jen, you can.

Rose ceremony time.

Bye Michelle or Simone. Calling it. Fingers crossed Jen. Here we go kids. Elora looks so cocky. She is trying to have visual sex with Matty mid rose ceremony to keep up the connection. Reminiscent or a preview Matty? Lisa is still here! I forgot she existed.

YES. Jen makes it.

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Down to Michelle and Elora. Ok so no chance Michelle. I’m sad but he can’t be a bad bloke and sleep (soz not sleep) with Elora and send her home this quick. That only happens on the US Bachie. OOOO BURN. To those who haven’t seen it – please watch the ep before the finale on Ben’s season – it. was. brutal.

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We don’t want to see anyone cry like this.                                           Good call Matty. Good call.

Till tomorrow…

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The Volte Squad x

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