Bachie Ep 8 – The Girl Code is DEAD

So the shaming ep is over and we return to what we thought was the 21st Century. Bye Leah. We still miss you.

We miss you and your mean girl comments Leah

Everyone is happy Leah is gone. Stephanie who we don’t recognize seems especially pumped. Hang on Jen and Sharlene don’t seem so on board with roses and lollipops. Obvs didn’t get the memo.

Jen/Sharlene we’re meant to be happy Leah has gone

Single date card read by #friendzone Alix. Big reveal – Elora? WTF? It needs to be Flo or Jen. Jen isn’t happy. This is not ok. Elora dobbed AND threw some seriously unnecessary commentary at Leah last night. Why is this BS being rewarded? Matty J you’ve changed.

Elora is rewarded for being a tattletale?

Happy music…lots of staring into wilderness. I think Oshie got a drone. Its being overused. We want to get close dude. Bring that baby in. Handheld cameras in their faces pls.

No drone angles – I want to see pores and capillaries Channel 10

Matty J is bringing Elora outdoors. Elora breathes a sigh of release – its the release someone who’s been blue balled for months needs. She is excited as apparently she LOVES the outdoors. She is also hiking in heels – this is not adding credibility to your love of the outdoors Elora? Actually I’m beginning to realise that Elora only had one thing on her mind when Matty said the word outdoors and didn’t matter what type of footwear she chose…#firesticks

Heels are not great for hiking Elora. Have you seen hush puppies?

Seat of intensity time… Must have run out of couch rentals and we are down to the last $50. Sister Kate apparently LOVED Elora. Let’s be real peeps. Sister Kate rewarded her for doing the dirty and slut shaming Leah. Not ok people. Not ok.

The Volte does not endorse slut shaming – we are living in the age of Tinder people.

Then there is a blow up swan. We watch them blow… it is awkward. For some reason there is more discussion of insecurity. It is hard when your man dates your sister wives. All this blowing is getting Elora hot and bothered. Mamma needs some sugar. Matty gives her a rose but that ain’t cutting it tonight Matty J. That ain’t cutting this #firestick at all. Kissing. Hot and heavy kissing.


Woah hold up. Hang on kids. Up the PG rating they aren’t going home! WTF. WOW, I mean WOW. If you snitch you get rewarded with sex? The Girl Code is dead.


Oh FFS channel 10 there are separate cottages. Please. There is no way both are being used. Much door kissing. Invite him in for coffee blue balls. DO IT.


Producers leave it ambiguous. This means he went in. This is going to cause shit. You thought not telling Matty J about strippergate was bad by Leah? Elora, babe, you have just broken the number one rule of girl scout club… good luck surviving this. You will wish you were in Game on Thrones rather than face those crazy b@tches…

When the sisters hear this… nice knowing you Elora…

OH NO – Matty J commentates in an audio that he and Elora were PG and he turned down her request. Sure sure Matty. Well it’s either sure sure Matty or shame shame on you Matty. I don’t think the girl scouts will buy it Matty J.

Group date time

Everyone gets to play. Oshie is here. Elora is also STILL here. People aren’t happy… tension is getting real man. Cobie is frozen smiling.

Keep smiling Cobie. We know how you really feel.

It’s a…. bush race. ARE YOU JOKING. We are this far down in the red that we can’t even afford a bike? There are ‘compatibility’ questions like the amazing race – except it isn’t amazing.

This amazing bush race is (not) amazing

Flo the boss is doing the Haka. Go girl. Love you. Hockeyroo Elise I thought you had it covered but she stacks it – essentially its Flo or Elora.

I would go through the rest of the race but it gets boring. Hang on – Flo cheats. We shouldn’t be down with it but Flo has got that coy I get away with everything vibe so GO FLO GO! The cheating gets more blatant as the game goes on. We are cheering you all the way. Go Flo go. Flo for the win. (We note that it seems unfair that we are backing the cheater but this episode is topsy turvy so go with it.)

Go Flo. Cheat Flo. Go Flo!

Everyone is happy Elora lost. Simone comes so late Matty J has already left. How slow were you running Simone….

Couch of intensity with Flo. Her sass has been missed. She admits the cheating. Good call – this is being filmed. Turns out Flo cheats in all games. I love you more and more. I also cheat in games – I have a lifetime mini golf and hungry hungry hippos ban. Love you Flo.

We feel you Flo


Matty J is stuck – he doesn’t want to reward her but she is hot and sassy and cute. And somehow we’re all on board. Shame if this was Leah she would have been crucified and given a bible reading. Reward her Matty J. They kiss. Obviously Flo the cute cheater gets a rose. Bad behaviour is rewarded this episode and we’re now ok with that.

Cocktail Party Time

Everyone is pissed off. Sharlene who we don’t really recognize is particularly upset. Flo calls out the vibe – when Matty J walks in the girl scouts perform like seals. Its not real. Its true – the fake laughing is awkward.

I’m so happy. This party is so happy.

Elora gets grilled. Reveals nothing. Sharlene loses her shit when people talk about their time with Matty J. She has only have 27.5 minutes. Not that she’s counting. Or crazy. She is not crazy…Wait I’m becoming concerned she’s not just nervous she is cray cray.

Oh dear. She is massively overthinking this. She is freaking Matty J out. It’s like the stalker has arrived. This is like watching a trainwreck. It’s VERY bad. As Jen says ‘it hurts my soul”. Jen forget Matty J we love you – it hurts our soul too. Michelle who I am quietly coming to value more and more each week comments that Jen does not have a soul. Major points Michelle. Major points.

Sharlene’s D&M attempt is not going as she hoped…

Matty J is dumping Sharlene mid cocktail party. Matty J this is rough. Everyone is actually watching this. Sharlene is pissed and upset. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. As a translator that does not mean ‘Thanks Matty’. It means ‘Fuck you for doing this to me Matty’. Thank sweet Jesus she’s walking away. Oh dear god she’s retreating – Um, yes, one more thing, thanks Matty’. Thanks be to Sharlene it is over. I thought I was going to have to leave the room.

Thanks (but not thanks) Matty.

Sharlene actually somehow reimagines the whole conversation in the five steps it takes to reach the deck and announces that she’s chosen to leave. Somehow her take on this is that the fact he doesn’t like musical theatre or martial arts was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Umm….Thanks.

This is not the problem Sharlene…

Matty J is ready to cut some girls from the club. Double eviction – no more Mr Nice Matty J. Intruders must be coming so they need beds.

Tara is in. Hockeyroo makes the cut… Please don’t send Jen home. Please don’t send Jen home. PLEASE MATTY. For the love of god please. For starters the girl scouts would start to look so blonde we’d lose any semblance of even hair diversity.

Please don’t send Jen home…

It’s down to 50/50 for Jen. We are freaking out. JEN. YES YES YES YES YES. It’s ok everyone. Breathe, relax, she made it.

Jen is in. You said it Winona.

I think #friendzone Alix is going home. Lisa gets the last rose. Bye Alix – we genuinely liked you L . Bye Stephanie – we don’t know you.

Till next week…


***Side note Channel 10 please employ Jen after all of this. She is freaking hilarious.

The Volte Squad x

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