Bachie Ep 7: Strippergate

We are reminded Matty J is not a puppet, that Tara is a frontrunner and Sian leaves – Bye Felicia.


Much dramatic music. Now now Channel 10 be careful what you promise. Although Leah seems to be on-board. Lucky kids. Lucky. We cut to Matty J swimming in a pool and staring out to sea. Much contemplation.

Much Contemplation

Matty #notapuppet brings in the puppet master – his sister Kate. Awkward cut to him professing love for Georgia. CHANNEL 10 WE NEED TO FORGET THAT HAPPENED.

Pls Channel 10 stop reminding us about she who shall not be named….

We are reminded Matty J wants babies. Now. Get those ovaries pumping pls girl scouts. Puppet master Sister Kate cant come to the finale as she is up the duff – so no overseas fling to let me guess…. Hmmmm I’d like to say Rio or Paris but given the moolah situ probs Bali… So she is getting her pick in early.

Girl scout meeting in session. Badges are available. For some reason we discuss intruders. Then Kate comes in – its an intruder! No she is family. For some reason girl scouts are more worried about her than an intruder. Um why? She isn’t a Lannister?

This isn’t Springer ladies…

Sister Kate has a single date card – some crap clue about ‘pace’ – whatever boring. It’s Alix with an ‘I’. I quietly am on team Elise hockeyroo. She is growing on me. Poss friend zone sadly.

Sister Kate sits down next to Leah. Leah freaks the fuck out. Jen is analyzing asap. Simone and Cobie look upset – eyeroll. Stop being sadsacks. We get it Leah has been mean to you. Move on.

Matty J comes in and says Kate is staying all day. Leah starts crying. V stressful. Its weird. Everyone keeps talking about Leah’s skeletons in the closet. Why would they come out with Sister Kate? Its weird. Oops I missed it – this is the other girls way of getting mean girl Leah back. You are going to dob aren’t you girl scouts… its a death sentence. Don’t do it.


Single date time. Wait for it… its another Transport themed date. ‘Adventerous” blah blah blah. Much tacky bond music.

This is getting ridic Channel 10

The girl scouts have an emergency meeting. Apparently Leah’s job as a ‘party planner’ has some scandalous elements that will come out in her chat with Sister Kate. Interesting girl scouts. Does it break the morality clause? I’m guessing this means she has organized some sort of bucks day bullshit or is one of those promo girls? How scandalous can it really be? Are you a pimp Leah?


Hang on kids – her byline is architecture student? WTF? Why do you lie Chanel 10.? Where is the #trust? You sit on a throne of lies.

DING DING DING. I’m pretty much a magic 8 ball. So turns out she organizes bucks partys AND is a promo girl. Flo’s description is hilar – ‘apparently Leah is a naked party planner’ #flosthebomb


Sad Simone describes the Leah act that Sister Kate gets. Nails it. #Countrygirl #Love #Brightlightsbigcity


Back to transport date. WHY GO BACK TO GIRL SCOUT CAMP. Alix and Matty J go all surfer – its epic, Its sic bro. They are going wake boarding. Alix seems concerned. Unclear why – 8 year olds wake board. You’ll be fine kid.


Flo and Sister Kate are having chats. Sister Kate loves Flo and Tara. Everyone else can go home.

Here we go team. Simone is going to chuck Leah under the bus – producers got into Kate’s ear. She asks the right questions – hi 5 leopard print clad producer #nailedit. Simone describes her emotional journey. Boring. Says Leah tried to break her. I was expecting more.


Awkward music during the inevitable ‘im touching you but not touching you’ wake boarding lesson. Alix keeps saying sick. Ruining the vibe Alix. Now there is a wager involving oil and massage. Osh is there a Priceline voucher?

Alix is impressed at how good Matty J is at wake boarding – which is weird as he largely just stays upright. Alix keeps saying ‘it’s a set up’. Yes Alix. It is, that is the point of the show? Why so much confusion this season kids? She falls off immediately. This date is boring. Can it end now? Alix stands up – feels like she has won a gold medal… do you Alix? Ask Elise – pretty sure it takes more work than this. #hockeyroo


Elora blue balls is going to go cray here. Her crazy is coming out. We get it girls – you don’t like Leah. You don’t think she is right for Matty J. Producers obviously know something we don’t as the ‘exotic dancer’ line comes out again about Leah. Um Elora – pretty sure you are an exotic dancer of sorts???? Remember the first ep? #judgey… Exotic Elora is becoming a secret mean girl.

Not a secret anymore Elora… It’s OUT

Back to boring date. It’s time for the couch of intensity. But this time it’s the sheet of intensity with throw pillows. Spotlight voucher strikes again. Alix is all of us on a first date. So much nervousness. She is sweet. Its awkward. The weird massage happens. RIPPED OFF. No one is naked. There is no oil. Bullshit Ref.

Somehow they end up talking about Georgia – mood killer. Talk about the ex. Oops. Bored again. All very honest and nice. But boring. Why do people keep using the word ‘respectful’ tonight? Dating a harem of women on a reality show isn’t super ‘respectful’? She gets a rose. No kiss. Blah. #friendzone.

Group date time. Oh oshie Im so glad you are alive.

Weird school kid theme thing. You must prove your ovaries are working scouts. Making volcano’s… does that mean a sensual pottery class? Um no. It doesn’t. There are kids – everyone screams. Jen claims her ovaries are fully functioning – nailing it. Edgy Princess Kate aka Laura isn’t clear on what to do. Dangerous game Kate Middleton. Gotta go for the crown pls!


Kids look have to pick partners – no one picks the princess (Laura)….awkward. Jen calls it – ‘no kids like Laura – standard’. #loveit

Matty J and Kate are leading craft class. Jesus we are poor this year Channel 10.

It’s ok Channel 10 – it’s ok.

Hang on I get it Osh – smart move. You’re burned out crafting so you’ve got the girl scouts to craft for you! I knew you weren’t just a pretty face with sculpted cheekbones and hair. Tara the nanny kills it. Shocking.

Sister Kate pulls Leah away to check if she is a stripper. Given the kids setting it’s extra awkward. Turns out its largely lingerie waitressing. She is not one of the girls anymore just the pimp… Sister Kate isn’t down.

Sister Kate isn’t keen Leah…

Then Leah drops a BOMB. Simone did it too Kate. Simone did it too. OOO Ouch. Burn. Simone? Pot? Kettle? Leah the stripper now returns to the childcare room. Do you have a working with children check ladies? Do you?


Sister Kate claims she knows all about volcanos because she has a child… hang on Kate. Your kid isn’t in school. We saw pics – he is a baby. He aint making volcanos. Laura wins the alone time. Shockingly no one is happy.

Laura aka edgy Kate Middleton go on another transport date. Srsly.giphy74

It’s a steam paddle boat. Seems kind of ok…. Then the camera man zooms out and we realize the weird steam boat driver is about 3 feet away. Kid discussion comes up again. Sigh. I’ve already seen this ep Channel 10. They kiss – its actually pretty hot. They use tongue. Def still a contender.

Girl scouts go back to camp. It’s on bitches. Leah wants blood. Simone is unclear why Leah is attacking her. Simone? Really? You TOLD Sister Kate. That’s why sunshine. Stephanie’s got the quote of the day – ‘if your backyards not clean’…Um what? Who are you?


Sister Kate and Matty J sit on the couch of intensity. She has the low down. Matty J is shocked Leah is a mean girl… really Matty J are you? Do you live under a rock? For some reason Sister Kate is making the whole thing seem like some sort of HUGE scandal. This isn’t the Big Brother turkey slapping incident on 2002 Kate? Calm down. Sister Kate then throws Simone under the bus too. Eyeroll.


Cocktail Party of truth time team.

Matty J is upset that Leah hasn’t been honest. Um dude you haven’t had a date with her? When was she meant to tell you? Girl scout camp hasn’t gone well. People are ANGRY. Matty J and Leah chat. Get ready kids the drama is coming….


Leah confesses about her pimp empire and past as a topless waitress. And says she pushed Simone’s buttons. Bad call Leah, bad call. You are gone.

Elora call of the night after Leah’s chat – did he tip you… Wow blue balls. That is next level harsh.

Brutal Blue Balls. That was ice cold.

Simone gets to go to the principal (Matty J) now and defend herself. She does WAY better. Cries. Explains. Kills it. Slow clap.


Back to the girl couch of intensity. Osh breaks in. WOW serious. Leah is invited to a chat with Matty J. She is going home. Not for her stripper past but for mean girls behavior. Bye bye Leah. We’ll miss you. Matty J might not, the girls might not but we will. Farewell…


Till next time…


The Volte Squad x

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s