Bachie Recap Ep 6 – Planes, bikes and anti-climaxing

And we pick up where we left off – much dramatic music. We knew it. Matty J wants to send Sian home but doesn’t want to be the bad guy on TV. Sian didn’t drink the coolaid and is being punished. Sian takes it like a trooper and bails although did say she is disappointed she didn’t get to express herself… confused – you expressed yourself pretty well a few minutes ago under the whiskey cloud.

It’s not you, it’s me – actually it is you Sian. You can’t lose your shit on The Bachelor like that and stay…especially in that outfit

Everyone is shocked. Why? We all knew she was going? You cannot have an epic meltdown, bring in the producers in their active wear and then choose to stay.

Matty pretends he is not a puppet. Producers told him to say he’s not a puppet. He picks the single dates apparently… what about the others Matty J. We know you didn’t pick the face off date. He actually seems super genuine – oh Matty J give me babies.

I am NOT a puppet said Matty J

Drama is over. I’ve got to hand it to you Channel 10 – you really worked that. I don’t agree but I respect it.

I don’t like it Channel 10 but I respect it…

Kate Middleton aka Laura comes in with a date card. Tara wins. Yay Tara – we all actually love you – at least you are funny.

Love this girl


Matty J is rocking cropped jeans – you outlaw Matty J. Such a fashion rebel. It almost works.

Let me guess transport date??? Ding ding ding. It’s a tandem bike. At least this is meant to be funny unlike the horse date.


In case you were wondering – tandem bike dates are so interesting

Onto pasta making – Matty J did you somehow mistake Tara for an Italian? Tara is generally hilarious. Fav line of the night is ‘your arse is perfect’. Couch of intensity goes well and I think Matty J has a little crush on Tara. Fair call buddy she is super hot and sweet and funny. Talks a LOT but hot. Tara stops talking long enough for Matty J to kiss her. Tara gets a rose. We like Tara #Team Tara.

Tara is coming from behind… 


Some one I don’t know is wearing a hat. Interesting choice.

Oh look it’s a “corruption of a transport” date skydiving– but no craft time – devo. Its ok Osh – its ok.

Simone looks like a 70’s movie star – super super hot. Pity she is afraid of heights – shame. Incidentally there are a lot of people I don’t recognize on this date. Are you lost?

Matty J wants a really exciting relationship with someone that will follow him… Ummm what is with the death themed dates Matty J. It is weird. Why do you want women to risk dying to date you? Its like an extreme sport.


The battle of the blondes is back. Leah restates there is no bro-code on this show.  She is in it to win it. She’s having hot flashes as she’s beginning to feel irrelevant.

Simone is freaking the fuck out. It seems legit because she is ugly crying. Matty J cheerleading ‘you can do it’ is not making her feel better. Of course she can fucking do it Matty J but does she WANT to.

Ugly cry is a great test of real upsetness.

Elora is on this date! I just saw her – she is at the back of the pack carving Matty’s name into her forearm.

Why are they all doing horns up signs with their hands. Its weird and reminds me of the year 8 social where everyone tried to be cool and mosh. Stop it. Don’t bow to peer pressure. Not a thing.

Simone and Matty J are the only ones left. She has her legs apart like they are in stirrups crying and Matty J is holding her hand and reassuring her… is this a weird preview of the birth of their first born? If so give her the drugs man. She needs the gas. Actually – give her 10 epidurals!

Give Simone all the drugs. Give her all of them.

Poor Simone – gives into the peer pressure and jumps. No Matty J this wasn’t for you. She just didn’t want to be embarrassed in front of the girl scouts and not get this weeks badge for her uniform.


Matty J lands – its stacks on time with a weird red bearded dude at the back led by Elora. Calm the fuck down. We know you want him. We get it. Matty J is strapped in he can’t escape. Simone claims to want to do it again. Lies. Massive LIES.

Don’t try to fool Judge Judy Simone.


Matty also claims best day ever – burn Tara and Flo. Burn. Simone gets the solo time. Boring. Expected. Maybe this was all a survivor power play.

Matty J takes Simone to the couch of intensity. Much reliving of ‘the jump’. I’m now convinced this was an epic acting job. Slow clap, Simone. Slow clap. Shame. They have nothing else to talk about. Matty J even reenacts it. This is a low point.

So…how about that skydiving…

Cocktail party time.

Hang on. Massive massive news. Simone didn’t get a rose. Ooo is she is done? The girl faces her fears and she doesn’t get a rose? What kind of monster are you Matty?

Flo gets alone time. Nat is upset. I was team Nat but I think she is an outsider at this point. Nat acknowledges she s friendzoned. I feel like Nat had so much to offer.

Remember when Nat smelt her hands…it was amazing.

Elise tries to replicate Flo and sets up a fishing game. Flo rocked it because it was relevant AND soft porn. This is weird and it is being done with an audience. Hold up – Elise is a hockeyroo – no wonder she looks fit. I’m now exhausted just looking at her. Wine and cheese date is ideal – boring. Matty J is confused – Where is the transport element. Elize massive high kicks for being a hockeyroo – you are now elevated to the final 6.

Get out there is a naked dress. Like pretty naked.  I know its in – I know it’s a thing. It is still tacky. Sorry. Not sure who she is. Not a contender.

Michelle wants to go talk to Matty J. Kate Middleton (Laura) weighs in along with power play Simone. Not your turn Michelle. Soz. Back of the line. There is an order. Poor Michelle. While they are working out said order with much awkward discussion Jen says screw this shit and goes to talk to Matty J. Without asking. #TeamJen

You can’t jump the line b…

Elora gets first rose. Has an orgasm. Loves that shit. Everyone important whose name we know gets through and some people we don’t know manage to get through too. Its down to Michelle or Nat.

Nat leaves. It breaks my heart. Matty J – I feel robbed. Stay yourself Nat. We’ll miss you even though Channel 10 never let us get to know you.

Until next time.


The Volte Squad x



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