The Volte Bachie Recap Ep 3 – Boats, Public Humiliation and Cersei

The girl guides are hanging out just talking and wondering what will happen today. Leah is consistently obnoxious when Osher suddenly (oh my gosh Osh) surprises them. Natalie explains that she gets a haemorrhoid whenever Osher appears and it reminds us that we are #Nat4Lyfe.

It’s single date time for Laura. Matty B arrives in a boat, a small boat. ‘This is great’ says Laura meaning ‘This is shit Matty. This is really shit.’ It’s the equivalent of a normal girl’s ‘I’m fine’ when you’re fucking not fine.

Translation: It is not fucking fine Matty.

Laura makes another blunder when she asks whether Matty J has licence. Matty doesn’t answer. (Someone at Channel 10 just phoned fisheries.) Suddenly everything is ok when Matty shows Laura that he was just pretending to have a small boat – he really has a big boat. Cool joke Matty. Matty and Laura talk about boats. Have you been on a boat? Do you like this boat? This is the best boat I have ever been on even though I have never been on a boat.

Laura and Matty J loves boats.

Then Laura does the crime which almost every girl has committed – the non-stop, inappropriate, relentless verbal diarrhoea. Suddenly you find yourself saying things you don’t know you’re saying. This happens to me at job interviews. This happens to Laura when she starts talking about tuk tuks and India and tattoos and suddenly she’s having an out of body experience saying ‘why the hell not’. It’s the opposite of cool girl. It’s out of control gastro of the mouth girl. Laura we feel you.

Can’t stop talking…this one time I had a fungal infection…send for help…

Thankfully they have to get off the boat and draw each other. Matty J is able to speak and we see his humour and his cheekiness and suddenly I realise… I have a crush on Matty J. This has never happened. Get those bitches out of my way…wait I’m married with children…still Matty…maybe one day…Until Laura and him are kissing. Wait Matty J seems to really like Laura – he’s into this. It’s pretty hot and heavy for portrait kissing. Matty how could you?

Call me Matty J

Group Date Time – Ye Olde English Fair. Osher is very into ye olde English – drink every time he speaks in Shakespearean. Apparently this is somehow linked to Henry the 8th. All the girls look at each other and shrug – they thought the red head was called Harry – silly Osher.

Henry the 8th had six wives – so the girl guides have to fight to get one of the six seats at the table. Not a great analogy incidentally Channel 10 – divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived? Leah is bearing an uncanny resemblance to Cersei Lannister this episode.


Apparently the link here is Matty J spent 4 years in London immersing himself in history and culture. This is clearly BS – we all know what 4 years in London means Matty. You drank snake bites at the Slug, got sandwiches from Pret-A-Manger and were friends with Australians living in Fulham while taking the occasional booze cruise in Croatia.

The girls are all dressed in ye olde English costumes. Cue ill fitting medieval dresses.

This dress sums it up – shop their look?

WTF Channel 10 – the Tudors got to show their boobs off – these spotlight one size fits all outfits aren’t cutting it. At all. I know we ain’t got the helicopter budget from Bad Bachie Blake’s season but this is bargain bin level.

No one at Ye Olde English Fair looked like this

Matty J manages to look a little bit like Mr Darcy/Outlander in his white shirt. Stop it Mr Matty J. Where’s the outdoor bath?

Sorry Jamie – Matty J stole your look

Over-excited pusher Coby, Sulky Simone, bad girl Leah and someone else commit animal cruelty against small defenceless piglets.

Elora is very competitive and tense. Apparently she’s spending a lot of time at the gym. I wonder why that is Elora (#firesticks)? Osher invites the winners of the various torture games to partake (drink) in a banquet. Osher points out spending time with Matty J is very important. Cool story Hansel.

Wow Osher that’s amazing.

Now we’re not often with Leah but this is one boring banquet. Elise is sad no one including Matty J remembers who she is – sorry Emma, I mean Elise. Leah tries to pretend she’s vulnerable and cries that she is just so loving she hurts easy. Good job Cersei. Alix gets a rose and celebrates with her sister wives.

Rose Ceremony – man this is one boring episode Channel 10. It better lift tomorrow. You promised Springer and we got Parliamentary question time. Will Elise or Leah go home. Neither do and suddenly Elora looks like she might be at risk. It’s revealed that Matty J is channeling a bit of S&M and sadistically teasing Elora (and she loves it). 50 shades of Matty J hey Elora?

50 Shades of Matty J hey Elora?

Shame – Akoulina who is dressed as Elsa from Frozen has to let it go.

Until tomorrow. Please note that none of the medieval outfits are available on The Volte x

The Volte Squad x

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