Welcome to our recap of Survivor and alliances…sorry no it’s actually The Bachelor but I gotta say right now the quest for love is playing second fiddle to the fight for Alpha Female in Bachie’s boarding school. Side note: This school seems more miserable than any of the ones Jane Eyre hung out at in terms of mental torture.
The pupils are just hanging out chatting about their main man when Osher arrives with date cards that he describes as ‘gifts’. Osher I feel like you’re trying to get in with the cool girl gang. Come on Osher you’re better than that.
The clue mentions something about a ‘spark’ so it’s immediately obvious it will be for fire dancing Elora. Feel free to drink if you’re participating in our game (so far the rules are any mention of fire for Elora, and any mention of tennis for Lisa). Elora is excited because she will spend time with Matty which is the purpose of the show.
Matty J brings out his best sailor ensemble but Elora didn’t get the memo and rocks some 90s look with a chunky black heel for the beach. Matty J says that Elora looks ‘great for 27’ – I’m sorry WTF? You look great for 27??? Matty we need to speak about this.
Channel 10 release the dolphins. Elora and Matty watch the dolphins, talk about the dolphins – ‘How amazing are the dolphins!’ , swim with the dolphins. Channel 10 is in liquidation – every investment has to earn their keep and that applies to the dolphins. (I don’t hold out high hopes of super expensive dates this season – McDonalds delivered by UberEats to the Bach Pad is fairly likely.) Elora is so happy Matty romantically takes a selfie of them.
Meanwhile back at the school the Mean Girls group emerges – Jen (Regina), Leah (Karen) and Sian (Gretchen). They don’t like Elora. Jen reads the group date card and makes sure that everyone knows who’s in the cool clique and who’s out and suddenly it’s like we’ve time warped back to year 9.
Back to Matty and Elora (this is the world’s longest date). Matty states that Elora doesn’t have to say much for him to be drawn to her. Elora agrees by not saying very much ‘yes’ and ‘mmm’. Matty don’t you know that now you’re the Bachelor you have to demand the girls open up to you or you’ll send them packing. You need to call Richie and Sam Wood ASAP. It’s apparent that Matty really likes this European/Tahiti/free spirit vibe that Elora got happening but not enough to dive in for the ‘pass’. He commits that they have a ‘spark’ (drink) and gives her a rose. Elora is left blue balled with a rose and pretends to be emotional when really she just can’t wait to get back to campus to spend some quality time double clicking her mouse…and don’t forget those fire sticks.
Elora arrives back to the school to find the entire class waiting for her. She chooses not to tell every detail – mainly because she’s worried about her tingling ovaries and is keen to spend some Elora time in the dorm. The Mean Girls play classic ‘pretend you’re interested’ and (un) subtlety make fun of Elora in front of the crowd. Elora and Simone got your numbers girls.
Group date – it’s a photoshoot like every year and for reasons unknown we’re going back to the 80s. Flo (Jen Hawkins lookalike) accidentally (on purpose?) disses Jen by calling her Jess. Girl – high five. Respect. Jen and Leah diss everyone’s outfits which seems strange because they haven’t seen their own. Karma ends up winning and Jen is forced to wear a full lifesaver costume (dubbed confusingly the jewish banana – is that racist? What is that? I don’t know whether or not I should be offended. I’m going to Google it) while Flo sizzles as Pamela Anderson (was Baywatch 90s or 80s?). Jen doesn’t like this – not one little bit and dives in and steals the show. Matty doesn’t seem to like this move but Jen doesn’t care because she upset Flo and that’s what The Bachelor is all about….I think these girls are confused.
All other shoots are fine. Not enough Natalie – More Natalie. More Natalie. Sian surprises us by bringing back the worm (we predicted a worm comeback in last week’s blog). Leah acts crazy and gets rejected by Matty. It’s ok Matty J’s Mum. It’s all ok. He hasn’t gone to the dark side yet. End of group date.
Matty then invites Lisa for a surprise single date to… play tennis (finish your glass). Lisa is excited. So excited that she mentions shitting her pants (twice). Lisa however, mainly plays the cool girl by saying she’s not high maintenance, doesn’t wear makeup and eats pies for breakfast – and still manages to look like a supermodel. It’s a classic move. Matty appears to also be playing the game of deception by massively talking up his tennis skills. Lisa wins. Lisa gets a rose.
Cocktail party time and Elora has had enough – she’s sexually frustrated and you don’t want to mess with her tonight. Leah tries to (un)subtlety drive a wedge between Elora and Simone. Jen joins Leah in the attack but the European Union is strong and they state that they feel Jen has a ‘dark side’. Jen says she is really hurt. Both her and Leah are confused that their jibes have been noticed – ‘we’ve been being so subtle babe’. Elora doesn’t give a shit.
Rose ceremony – is Leah going home? Little suspense. Exploding ovaries goes home without even mentioning being a criminal lawyer. She was never going to top that introduction and our boarding school gets a little less diverse.
Added drinking rules: every time Jen gives a death stare, every time Leah or Tara uses a phrase incorrectly i.e. long-time instead of long-term, my heart is breaking into three pieces…
Until next week! Shop all your latest looks at The Volte.