Welcome to The Volte’s first recap of the Bachelor. We are huge fans of the Bachelor and thought this was a great way to convince our other halves that watching the Bachelor was a work necessity. We all were huge fans of Rosie Waterland’s blog and we apologise if we use any of her brilliant terminology (although we’re pretty sure it’s part of the Bachelor fans’ vehicular now).
Matty J (as we knew) is the Bachelor and he’s as sweet and adorable as we remember… Oh wait he is kissing a lot of girls. Jesus Matty – I haven’t even poured a wine and you’re already playing tonsil tennis with enough girls to fill a netball team. I do not have enough wine. Note to self – buy more pinot. Matty J is the Bachelor and he’s not afraid to use it.
I digress. He loved Georgia – who wouldn’t love Georgia? He had hurt feelings. Family made hurt feelings better. He loves his Mum, he loves his nephew, his Mum has a pristine house, he has a pool and a six pack and I assume he still has a job on the mines (?) (that’s very vague – he’s been taking a fair bit of time off lately) – he’s a keeper.
The master of ceremonies Osher arrives to announce to Matty’s surprise that he is the Bachelor. Osher has a certain spring in his step. It’s the spring of someone with a new ‘hair do’ that they’re hoping others notice. Matty didn’t notice but Osher I noticed (shorter, edgier, under-cuttier). Osher is grinning so wide I swear I can see his lower back molars.
We here dignified screams from the approaching limo and we know that this beautiful love story is about to begin. I feel like there was a record number of girls this year so below are the Cliff Notes:
Alex – Body painter – is that a job?
Tara – Nanny. Hot Zimmermann jumpsuit. Awkward. ‘Epic house’ ‘See ya Mate’. Can’t remember which ear her tattoo is behind. I’m assuming she was drunk in Bali. Given the wobbly design I’m assuming the tatooist was also drunk.
Laura – Earth Mother. Centred. Calm. Seems to be surprised that she is on this show. Is she lost?
Coby – bought balloons. Got Matty J high. Let’s call her “Coby the Pusher”.
Oops I need more wine…more lycra…more people with names.
Oh and hello Laura Anne – hats off to you. I did not expect someone to mention tingling ovaries so early on but you did and I want to thank you.
More names, more people – token gothic to show now (un) diverse this crowd is.
And then the gods of Channel 10 give us Natalie. She dumped her girlfriend (yes she was a lesbian – it’s 2017 people) when she saw Matty J take his shirt off on the Bachelorette. Now that seems like a sound and thoughtful decision. She then stalked him like a mofo on Instagram and wrote “MJ LOVES NAT 4EVA” all over her diary like every normal crazy person. But Natalie, Natalie, Natalie – girl you gotta hide that crazy. Don’t tell him that you did that! Stop saying ‘moist’. Stop it. Holy shit – she’s smelling her hands. She is smelling Matty J on her hands…
It’s going to be hard to top that. Channel 10 pretended there was like a BIG drama with the police when it was just Michelle (aka the new Nikki). She’ll be in the top 4.
Belinda is a love coach who does a creepy exercise with hands on heart for a minute – there goes your career Belinda. Matty J did not like that. Florence is Dutch and she gives Matty J clogs (that’s a bit obvious). Akoulina is a rhythmic gymnast and she comes in twirling and swishing her ribbon – finishing with a very uncomfortable ‘will you accept me?’.
Now we have the contenders – Lisa has arrived. A glamazonian. I like Lisa. Matty likes Lisa. Lisa likes tennis and tall people. Matty J likes tennis and is tall. Lisa will win.
And after all the promise of the promos, in walks Leah in her cheeky (butt cheeky) Lexi dress looking all sexy and seductive. Then she ruins it by ruining his hair and carrying on and being generally horrible. Matty J doesn’t like it (“FFS don’t mess with my hair. My Mum wouldn’t like it.”). Matty J let me give you a tip – Leah isn’t the type of girl who cares what your Mum likes. Leah isn’t the type of girl who cares about your Mum.
Matty J’s Mum is currently screaming at the TV – “Run Matty! Run!”
That’s it – we made it through.
Cocktail party time. Tara is already drunk. Fair enough. You’ve probably been waiting (and drinking) for hours Tara. Some of the girls declare Leah is the new Keira. Leah couldn’t shine a light to Keira #Keira4eva. We hear about the Secret Garden which isn’t really explained except that it’s a secret garden. I’m thinking it’s a place Matty J can take a few chosen women to so they can get it on. I mean why limit it to one white rose when you can have the whole garden.
Elora the fire dancer arrives and there might have been a moment of suspense except all the girls are onto it and declared her an intruder. Ladies – we can’t have an intruder on day one. She’s called ‘another contestant’. Matty J grills Elora on whether she’s ready to call Australia home. Calm down Matty – it’s day one. You didn’t even talk locales with Georgia until hometown week. Why talk about something so important at the start?
Jennifer in the white Lexi emerges as the second villain (they needed two to replace Keira). Jen is very Mean Girls – very Regina George. She also seems to have zero self awareness – declaring constantly that she hates drama and drama is beneath her while starting and perpetuating drama. Poor Elizabeth gets caught in the crosshairs. But maybe you should thank her Liz. I don’t think we would have seen you this episode. Also don’t use putrid to describe a girl’s dress ever. It’s likely not to be taken super well.
Nat continues to be amazing. She gets drunk. She does strange toilet humour. She comments on the amazing boobs surrounding her. She is the worst and most distracting bystander during the ‘epic’ disagreement between Mean Girl Jen and Accidentally Putrid Calling Liz. Nat you can’t ever leave the island.
Mean Girl Jen cuts in front of nice cop Michelle for a second talk with Matty. Mean Girl Jen is greedy with her time with the man. But nice girls finish first and Matty J gives Constable Michelle the first rose. Well done Matty. (Matty J’s Mum exhales).
Rose Ceremony – the obvious ones get through – Lisa, villains, crazies…Will Mean Girl Jen or Putrid Calling Liz go home. They’re both safe and two girls you forgot were there go home.
Matty J walks back to the Bach Pad and wonders what show he’s ended up on because I tell you what mate it definitely isn’t the Matty J Show. As Tara would say “See ya Mate”.
Head to The Volte to check out all the latest looks including the dresses seen on The Bachelor.